I haven't expressed myself through writing in awhile... I am feeling terrified because I have finally found something that I love to do and enjoy that I would like to make into a career. Teaching. I am working in a daycare where we have a preschool program, so I have been assistant teaching and now I am looking to further myself with this. I have made the leap to get my CDA and be able to head teach at a daycare or preschool. I am nervous and excited and confused, but also sure that this is it for me. I had to stop worrying about everyone else and start taking my own advice to just do it. I knew I would regret not going for this forever. I know I would and what better time than now?? Why not get started and pursue something that I find important and makes me happy? On another note... things are getting serious in my relationship too... and I couldn't be more happy, yet scared at the same time even for that. I don't know why I feel this way... but I do. I know he is the one I want to be with and talking about the future with him is something I love to think about... but at the same time I want to make sure I can support myself too. Oh the perks of growing up!
When I was younger and my Dad was still alive, I always told people I was going to marry him. I was little and had no idea what marriage really was, but I knew for the most part, that if you loved someone, you would marry them. Then when my Dad passed and I was 13, I became depressed and cynical and bitter. I was unhappy with myself and everything around me. I hated the idea of marriage and family because mine was now shattered and torn apart. Nothing was the same. I felt like I didn't want to ever have something like that happen to me if I got married and had children one day. I mostly didn't want to have a wedding either because my Dad wasn't going to be there to walk me down the aisle, and I wouldn't have my "Father-Daughter" dance.
I still had that mentality up through high school and even after and through my first round of boyfriends. I never had an emotional connection with most of them. I don't know if it was because I didn't want to or if they just weren't the right fit for me. Honestly, it could have been both.
Then, I met someone who changed my whole view point on love and connection. We became friends first... and best friends. I went everywhere with him and vice versa. We always hung out and could talk for hours into the night. i was going through some things with a friend and an ex (a story for another time) but he was there to pull me through it all. He asked me out 3 times before I finally said yes. Our 2 year anniversary is this Saturday (July 7th) and although we have gone through a bunch of ups and downs ourselves; a break up included... he still is the love of my life and best friend. I don't see myself with anyone else, and he has told me the same thing.
He has changed my whole perspective. I would gladly marry him and spend the rest of my life with him... through whatever life has to throw our way. I know we would work through it together. I get the giddy feeling thinking about him all the time... butterflies still when I see him. The best feeling in the world is being held close to him. He makes me happy. I've been wanting to write about this for awhile and just get all of my thoughts together, but honestly he is the best thing about my life right now. :-)
I'm never going to forget that night. I think about it from time to time and I smile like a little kid on Christmas. You told me you would marry me if only you had the money...
Kind of funny... two broke "kids" pretending to be adults, but you know my answer would be yes. <3
Do you miss me? I'm pretty sure you're thinking about me. I can't believe I sat here and missed you so much when you were the one to push me away. It seems like whenever I am moving on, you're right there. What's the matter? Should I keep wallowing in the past? And honestly... I thought you were different. I am missing the person I thought you were. I am missing my best friend. I hope when you realize EXACTLY what you had... you hurt just as much as I did. Oh if you knew what I have become now. I know I am bitter and cynical and more of a bitch than I was... and it sucks because I was a nicer person, but right now I am enjoying being the heartbreaker. All I know is, is that when I am ready to let someone in who deserves the best of me... you'll see you've missed out. I was the best and once you've had the best, you can't do better.
I hate sitting back and thinking about the good times I've had with you because now instead of just enjoying what I thought were good times, I am over analyzing and thinking about what went wrong. I am sitting here and trying to see if you ever gave away any hints that you weren't who you said you were. When I would lay with you in your arms and listen to your hear beating and holding you close and feeling your arms around me, I thought I was as loved as you were.I thought that what I felt for you... you felt for me too... obviously I was wrong. I feel too strongly for you. I was driving today and that song by Bad Company came on... the one I always said came on when I was thinking about you... and I started to cry. You're all I ever thought about and breaking up was what you said would make you happy... so I agreed to it. You let me go. There are days when I want to call you up or show up at your house and just have you hold me. That's all I want sometimes. Whenever I'm out with another guy, you're always at the front of my mind. My heart calls your name with every beat and anytime I see you, it drops to the floor. I really hope I get over you soon because this pain is unbearable and much to hard at times to ignore. I hate myself for feeling so low at times.
My mood: extremely anxious
I've been trying to organize my blogs for awhile now, and I always find some reason or excuse not to. That's mainly because I don't want to reread some of the things that I wrote down. Just glancing at some of the things I have in my journal... the hurried handwriting... it's a dead giveaway to the pain and confusion that is spread about the pages. I just can't believe I let myself down. I let myself get so vulnerable with another person. I swore I'd never let myself get that way and I did.
I thought I had someone I could trust after all that I had been trhough and then it turns out to be a lie... you're the last person I could ever trust now. Still, with all the lies and drama that you've created, one call saying you needed me for anything and I know I would be there. I have to finish this later.. my mind needs to rest.
My mood: extremely anxious
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It's strange that I find myself thinking about you, even though I have found someone that I feel complete with. I want you still... but not in the way that you're thinking. I want you to say to my face, exactly why you ran away. I know it's because you're a scared little boy pretending to be a man. I was fooled in the beginning. I thought you had everything figured out, I thought we were good together... apparently it was all a lie. I wish I had seen it sooner. It would have spared be the heartache and confusion. I realize what I had with you, is NOTHING in comparison to what I have now; to what I feel now. I have someone who I can be my complete self around and with all of my stubborness and weird quirks... they still love me for me; and I love him completely. There's just the nagging want to know why I wasn't good enough for you... but then again, maybe I don't need to know.
I knew that you were different.
My mood: very bouncy
I was just thinking today and I would totally go all out lesbian for Megan Fox. Mhmm.. I really think she is super goreous and sexy and I love how she speaks her mind. Forget her acting, she's not totally horrible. Stop hating on my girl! <3
These blogs (or ramblings and random thoughts as I like to call them) are just a place for me to vent or write and let me be myself. I appreciate comments and critiques... anything. I don't think that I am the most amazing writer or poet, but I am trying to get better at it. :)
What do you call a person who hurts you emotionally? I don't really care about the real term because I just call them you.
I see the glimmer of the silver. How inviting it looks. I can see the tempation, Why you would want to let blade meet skin. I've prayed for the courage to draw it across... to press down hard enough to break through; to see the drops of crimson run. I don't know if it makes me a coward not to... or if it makes me stronger than you. I cannot inflict pain on myself to dull another type of void... I don't know if it would work anyway.
It's like a wild trip in my head,
It's like vampires crawling into my bed.
It's like flying higher than I've ever been,
It's like acting like no one can see.
It's like wanting you to hold,
It's like losing all self control.
It's like staggering drunk in my heels,
It's like how being with you makes me feel,
So, actions speak louder than words.
I can agree with this, but sometimes I think it'd be nice to hear things once in awhile... for instance...
You act like you care and love me... but you won't say it...? I know you do but it would be nice to hear.
Gerrrrrrrrr lol just venting here...
I feel hopeless and sick and sad and tired and anxious. My heart hurts, my head is pounding, my breath seems to be caught in my throat. I don't know which way to turn, what to do.
Squeeze my eyes shut, count to three. It doesn't make everything alright, but at least I can go back to pretending.
I'm just so damn good at faking it.
My mood: a bit anxious
I don't know if you care about me,
I care too much, my walls starting to crumble.
Do you miss me? Not how I miss you.
Why do I let myself care?
(I am no poet, these are just thoughts I try and put into a poetic form... ish... It's terrible I know but I have no other way to express this right now...)
My mood: somewhat annoyed
I went out driving trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left,
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been
What we should have been
Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories, I don't need um
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cap and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me
Someday I'm gonna run across your mind
But don't worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be alright
While you're sleeping with your pride
Wishing I could hold you tight
I'll be over you
And on with my life
So I'm supposed to grow up and try and handle respsonsibility right? I'm working, going back to school, handling a relationship and trying to keep the family happy... so when I want to take time for me, it shouldn't be a problem. Apparently it is... My mom doesn't understand that I am growing up and just trying to live my life. I can't wait to leave! 2 years and I swear I need to be out of this place!!
For the past couple of days, I have been thinking about certain things and how they make people happy. For instance, material things and ob
Previous PostsThoughts, posted February 3rd, 2013
Nick, posted July 5th, 2012
You told me you would marry me..., posted March 19th, 2012
Just a question... or a few..., posted August 12th, 2011
Stupid Heart ;-P, posted July 29th, 2011
writing.. you.. writing.. me, posted July 28th, 2011
no title for now/nowhere close to being done, posted April 19th, 2011
Nagging Thoughts, posted March 30th, 2011
I Love You., posted February 10th, 2011
Megan Fox, posted February 9th, 2011, 2 comments
About these blogs..., posted February 9th, 2011
I call them You., posted February 3rd, 2011
Temptation, posted December 26th, 2010
Impossibly indescribable (not done?), posted November 3rd, 2010
Words and Actions, posted November 3rd, 2010
No title, posted October 2nd, 2010
Do you?, posted October 2nd, 2010
you'll think of me, posted October 1st, 2010
venting, posted August 30th, 2010
thinking over things., posted August 23rd, 2010
My Everything, posted August 4th, 2010
I don't want to miss you anymore, posted June 22nd, 2010
So confused., posted June 17th, 2010, 4 comments
Random blog, posted June 12th, 2010, 2 comments
Angry, posted June 12th, 2010, 4 comments
Faith...?, posted June 10th, 2010, 5 comments
Found my new fave quote!!, posted May 27th, 2010
I can destroy you., posted May 23rd, 2010, 2 comments
I miss you... I feel so lost., posted May 22nd, 2010, 2 comments
Just rambling, posted May 21st, 2010, 1 comment
Friends, posted May 20th, 2010, 2 comments
hate you? no., posted May 13th, 2010, 4 comments
Terrible, posted May 12th, 2010
Do you want me?, posted April 24th, 2010, 4 comments
anxious, posted April 21st, 2010, 1 comment
For you both., posted April 20th, 2010
Be With Me, posted April 20th, 2010
an old blog from September 24, 2009, posted April 17th, 2010
stressing, posted April 16th, 2010
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